Soccer is a Disgrace.

The face of guilt, and some nice glasses.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you’ve read anything to do with soccer in this country in the last few years then I’m sure you’ll be well aware of – not only the boring nature of the game – but just how disgraceful a sport it has been. With worldwide ball-boy kicking scandals, the A-League has only been an amplification of international soccer debacle – and quite frankly, a disgrace to the other obviously superior football codes in this nation.

While shining lights and pure exemplifications of the incredible Aussie sporting spirit, such as Rugby League and AFL, have set the standard for true sportsmanship and entertainment in the last year, the A-League and its teams have sought to compensate for their dishonourable nature by engaging in gimmicks and silly initiatives.

I was on Facebook, perusing some of my friends latest life updates and awesome selfies, as well as some really hilarious memes, when I noticed a picture on my News Feed. It was posted by the Western Sydney Wanderers, a page I follow so I can laugh at their hooligan “RBB” supporter pictures – apparently they find it suitable to stand up and sing chants during their soccer games. Nevertheless, what they posted today was beyond what I could have ever expected and at least twice as funny as the meme of the cat playing the piano I had just seen.

The caption: Aaron Mooy visited Quakers Hill Police Station today and donated a Wanderers signed jersey plus his Socceroos shirt to fundraise in memory of Constable Bryson Anderson.


Aaron Mooy detained by police.

Unbelievable – but at the same time, oh so predictable. Another soccer player at a police station. They failed to mention for what charge he was arrested for, but based on soccer’s track record I have no doubt it had something to do with either doping, paying off the police to forget about their doping or perhaps even an alley-way bash up. But it gets worse.

Sparked by a sudden burning desire to continue my investigation into the sport, I headed over to the Facebook page of Western Sydney’s cross-town rivals, Sydney FC. To be honest, I was afraid to have both pages open in tabs at the same time – as we all know, the last time these two teams were together the London Riots happened. Unfortunately, what occurred when Sydney FC’s page opened was even more terrifying.

Wild feminists taking over.

Wild feminists taking over.

Two things struck me about this picture. Firstly, the fact that soccer evidently allows women to be part of their game in a competitive manner, with the support of their men-counterparts, is perhaps the most radical and controversial thing I have seen since the gay couple who live next door. Is Australia ready for such sexual equality? I highly doubt it, and typically, these unruly soccer teams have not thought this through at all.

That being said; the second thing that struck me about this photo! Of course there are women in soccer! Basically all of the code’s players, no matter what genitalia they possess, are of course wimpy girls! This, by the way, is not sexist at all – just pure Aussie fact. Rugby and AFL players are real men.

To the side of that image, another one:

Autocratic leaders demand, "BID NOW!".

Autocratic leaders demand, “BID NOW!”.

Apparently Sydney FC (shouldn’t it be Sydney SC?) allowed their fans to design commemorative jerseys which were later auctioned for charity. My problem with this, once again, is twofold.

Why are fans being allowed such interaction with the team? Something equally as nasty was executed by the Melbourne Heart team which put Twitter handles on the back of their jerseys (which too were auctioned off afterwards). As we all know, proper sporting support (as demonstrated perfectly in AFL and Rugby games) involves sitting awkwardly with opposition fans and clapping when something good happens, or a fight breaks out. This is a point backed up by my clear superior, and world-renown sporting expert, Tom Elliot from 3AW.

Interaction with fans only breeds a strong connection between the club and their supporters. Those poor soccer fans are tricked by the corporations they follow into believing that the team means anything to them, that they have something to be passionate about. A-League teams are making active attempts to build a connection between themselves and the community which keeps them alive – unlike in the NRL and AFL where fans are instead told time and time again by “well-known personalities” and shameless media cross-promotion that following them is simply the normal and cool thing to do. This just demonstrates the NRL and AFL’s clear intellectual dominance over barbaric sports like (well, only) soccer.

And of course, the charity aspect… Do these teams really believe that donating a shirt to charity will have any sort of positive impact on anyone’s lives? I can only think that they expect the homeless people, or disadvantaged children, to walk around in over-sized soccer jerseys. This is pathetic logic. This sport just can’t get anything right can they?

This rubbish has been going on for years, I found out shortly after. In January of 2011, in response to the devastating Queensland floods, the Football Federation Australia (or Soccer Gang Leaders as I refer to them) announced that they would have a “Flood Relief Round”. During this, teams wore black arm bands and observed a minute silence for flood victims. They then collected large amounts of money at these games which were donated to Flood-Relief charities. Similarly, this year after the more recent Queensland floods, all profits from ticket-sales at a Brisbane Roar game were donated to charity. A Melbourne Victory game donated a portion of ticket sales to charities in Tasmania to help Bushfire Victims.

Moments of silence and charity collections; what does this remind me of? Why, only the most long-standing and equally corrupt organisation in human history: the Catholic Church, who have been riddled with controversy and blatant evil over their extensive history. In olden times, the Crusades, and more recently cases of priestly paedophilia. Why would the A-League want to do anything that at all associates themselves with such an institution? I can only wonder.

What are they trying to compensate for with these attempts at goodwill to the community? What, exactly, does the “sport” feel so guilty about? With knowledge of the reckless nature of soccer and its fans, there is clearly something up.  Recently it was discovered the fact that match fixing occurs in the A-League. This is made evident by the massive $49 million worth of betting on a recent game from Asian pundits! Of course this has been corrected to only $5 million, but if we ignore that, the burning question becomes: WHO WOULD BET $49 MILLION ON A SOCCER MATCH? And the answer becomes: Match fixers, yo.

The face of guilt, and some nice glasses.

The face of guilt, and some nice glasses.

The virus that is soccer continues to spread! Not only have they had record-high attendances this season in the A-League, with a rapidly-growing fan- base, but they have gone about implementing “community rounds”. The Western Sydney Wanderers played in Campbelltown, the Melbourne Heart played in Latrobe and Melbourne Victory played in Tasmania. We need to stop this epidemic at its root, cut it down with brute force and whatever means are necessary! This disease threatens to wound our healthy footballing codes, and we have to react.

P.S. If you happened to hear anything about doping in NRL/AFL recently, just remember – Lance Armstrong also doped – so it’s totally alright.

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About Daniel Palmer (50 Articles)
Daniel is a longtime fan of football, and more recently a passionate Western Sydney Wanderers kid and a proud member of the RBB. Hosts FTSAUS Podcast. Has a valid and interesting opinion about Australian Football. His lifelong dream is to be pre-game presenter at Parramatta Stadium. Follow on Twitter: @userlastname
Contact: Twitter
  • Daniel B

    Absolutely brilliant.

  • Eric Berry

    This is possibly one of my favourite opinion pieces ever! Still laughing!

  • Eddy

    Brilliant article, publish it in the Herald Sun!!