SOCCER SHAME – Disrepute and social media outrage
Dock ‘em: harsh punishment for shocking behaviour
One of the major scandals affecting the round-ball-game’s round-world this week was the FFA’s decision to instigate a harsh (though suspended) punishment for “bringing the game into disrepute” – targeted at the Sydney Wanderers and West Melbourne Victory, whose rabid fans broke out into riot on the streets of Melbourne. This resulted in the (suspended) docking of three points from both teams.
Many suspected that such a punishment would be a slippery slope, leading to heavy-handed reprimand for any amount of incidents throughout the season determined to tarnish the soccer brand. Fortunately for real Aussies, these fears were to manifest in more dramatic manner than could have been predicted.
The Central Coast Mariners were docked four points for their inanely boring performance against the Melbourne Heart, although soccer fans have argued that they should be instead rewarded points for curing insomnia. Their partners in crime, Melbourne, sit at the bottom of the table with too little points to detract from; the FFA have announced that points will instead be added to their tally and then removed next week for every open goal Michael Mifsud misses.
League leaders, Brisbane Roar, are holding crisis meetings with representatives from the FFA to discuss the extent of punishments over Diogo Ferreira’s hair on the weekend. Representatives from FTSAL asked the diverse Brisbane midfielder for comment on his decision to style his hair like a toothbrush, receiving this reply:
“What? That’s not my hair, that’s just the dead Chihuahua I keep on my head for good luck…”
Photo courtesy of @jwphotographyau and talented photoshopping courtesy of @adamOsaussies.
Finally, Sydney FC have been dragged into soccer’s darkest days and the Soccer Hall of Shame after starting much maligned and equally bald fullback, Marc Warren on the weekend. The determined twenty one year old was described by one five year old spectator as “the little engine that couldn’t”.
Frank Farina commented after the game, “When his resume said he was ‘bad’, I assumed it was just a typo for ‘bald’… because everyone makes typos, we’re only human – in fact, I was texting my wife after the game the other day and she asked me if I wanted to duck later, which I thought was weird because the fans had stopped chucking things at me by then, but what she actually wanted was to-“
Sydney marquee, captain and famous wog, Alessandro Del Piero is quoted to have mumbled, “at least Diogo Ferreira could learn from Marc’s choice of haircut.”
Terry McFlynn was also heard to whisper tentatively in reply, “It’s not a choice.”
Offensive social media post shocks Australian communities
[EDIT: Reader Doug Schindler has corrected the parties in the following story, noting that it is Gargamel and not Dracula depicted. Get over yourself Doug.]
The Sydney Wanderers are in hot water after a post on their Facebook page has caused outrage from Smurf and Dracula cosplay communities.
The picture (seen above) depicts a man dressed as Dracula aggressively pursuing a man dressed as a Smurf with the words “Pa-pa-paranoia”.
An anonymous representative from the “Come to Papa Smurf Appreciation Society” commented exclusively to FTSAL, “This is an outrage. Not only does this depict Smurf cosplayers as small, weak and powerless – but it also implies that we support Sydney FC.”
He went on, “The CTPSAS demands an apology from the Wanderers, and we find it hard to believe that they couldn’t pre-empt the offence that this would cause our community. Also, the Big Bash rates higher on television so David Gallop can shove it.”
This is not the end of the Wanderers’ turmoil, with representatives from the “Suck Me Dry Dracula Fan Club” also coming out to speak against the image.
“Why do they dehumanise us as emotionless monsters in this photo? Why are we hunting a creature smaller than us and defenceless, as if we have no honour? Why are we balding? Why did Popovic rotate Poljak? These are all questions that the Wanderers have to answer for.”
FTSAL has uncovered secret police files concerning the image that open up an entirely new controversy regarding the Sydney Wanderer’s social media blunder. These files reveal that police are investigating subliminal satanic messages hidden within the post, noting that it was made public six hours ago and uses the word “six” two more times in the post, forming clearly “666”. If these links to the fallen angel are found out to be more than coincidence, it is likely that soccer could be banned from our shores once and for all.
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This article, best laughing matter re association football, i have read in the 50 years I have followed the code.
First of all, the teams are the Western Sydney Wanderers and Melbourne Victory, which you attempted to make reference to in your opening statements. Second of all, the image of that banner? That is not Dracula, it is Gargamel, which you would know if you did any amount of research at all.
Sir, you don’t know just how ecstatic it makes me feel that you thought I was being at all serious with this piece 😀
LOL! Dude that is 1 of the best piss-take articles I’ve read in awhile. Well done!